I tend to try and hold things tightly,
with both hands, nails biting into my palms
I try to hold things that I think are sure, steady, lasting, good
and when I’m holding on to—no, clutching—something in this way,
it can be a violent, painful affair when it is inevitably taken away
I am all too familiar with this sensation of loss
the gut-wrenching, empty-handed feeling
the cyclical pain of grief and anger and eventual resignation
and I have often lifted up my tear-filled eyes and asked “why?”
why?
I thought I had it in my grasp
why?
I thought this was mine for the keeping
why?
because I held on so tightly, so resolutely
I thought I was in control
but as You slowly, patiently, lovingly reveal to me the mystery of Your sovereignty,
I begin to realize that nothing was ever in my grasp
it’s all Yours
it’s all under Your control
You are the One who gives and takes away
(and it’s not because You enjoy taking away what I want,
but because You are wise, You are good,
and You know what I need and what I don’t.)
as You show me more and more of Your character,
I realize that You are the only sure and lasting thing,
and I don’t have to hold on
because You are holding me.
so I will learn a new way to live—
openhanded—
and I will learn a new way to trust the God
who gives and takes away
I will learn to bless Your name
and to thank You for what You give and for what You take
knowing it is all Yours, as am I.
Photo by Jessica Wishard
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